Updated: Dec 2, 2019

I am “still” inexperienced?

"I rarely doubted myself."

It is me who always choose the safe roads, always train myself with rules, principles and concrete plans. For such a surprisingly long time. Now I have no choice but admit that I have been walking on a peaceful road. My life until now is a no-cloud sky. In terms of my career of working and studying, my parents almost never complain because I always proved to them: Things will be fine as long as I oversee, plan and learn. And they always expected me to be rational, logical and hardworking. I tried and I did it. Recently, they become impatient.

Hard as the ground.

On the ground, I always believe: Everything I desire could be secured if I think carefully enough, learn enough, and plan in advance; and I would work my ass off to get it. I feel blessed when people understand me the most praise me as a hardworking bee rather than an inborn genius. Honestly speaking, I am proud of the recognition and working hard every day to be “prepared”.

Flexible as the ocean.

I was always humbly proud to once be one of the best swimmers many many years ago. I don’t consider the achievement as something to be proud of anymore, but at least in the water, I feel relaxing, strong and confident. It doesn’t take me much effort to go here and there, fast. I am also not a pig-headed man; I respect the rational and I am eager to learn. As long as I learn and prepare, I should be safely flexible enough to deal with changes.

But LIGHT as the SKY.

Now I realized the air is hard to hold on. It exists in countless forms, and I could not play safe as I used too. I want it to be in shape A, but life never gave me A. It gave me something else in a completely new form, says Delta. Our emotion is like the sky: hard to plan, hard to learn, hard to make it what I planned. Ridiculously it is everywhere, and undeniably the most important components of the Earth. Love here means “love” and “affection”. It awkward and tricky sometimes to me to express my emotion when I “try” to be myself. Lovely words are, in my mind, cheesy and hard to swallow.

I think I will have to soften myself and deal with what life really is. Love, Emotion, Affection. Things I could not plan. Things I could not control.

In that sense, I am inexperienced.